I had a doctors appointment the other day with Dr. J.
She had some words for me. Wise words, but ones I could not help but to feel disgusted by. It was last tuesday and I had to go in to get my monthly shot for my schizo-effective disorder. I left that day contemplating whether I know what is best for myself or not.
I have struggled with consistently taking meds. Why? Because I am a person of instant gratification. I want what I want at that exact moment. Well, it turns out medication does not work that way. Medication takes time. Not only does it take time, it just helps lessen the problem instead of fixing it. I would love nothing more to not have to take medicine, and that is where the words from Dr. J came in.
“Medication isn’t a fix all. You will need to be consistant and take it the rest of your life for it to work.” – Dr. J
Those words hit me. Hard. What am I supposed to say to my future children? How do I explain this to my own family? Why can I not ever be NORMAL??
Normal. What is normal… Normal to me is someone successful. Someone who can work a full time job with no hiccups. Someone that can multitask and build themselves up in life. Someone that does not scream at themselves when stepping out of their house. I want to be normal. I want to be MY definition of normal.
A lot of people are ignorant to the fact that you need to take medication your whole life. People will downplay mental illness as something compareable to a common cold or flu, and that hurts, but I have to get over others ignorance. Medication itself is surrounded by a negative stigma, let alone telling someone you have depression or anxiety.
Now that a couple of days have passed and I have thought about her words, I am prepared to continue taking medicine. Am I scared? HELL YES. Do I still want it fixed right now at this moment? HELL YES. Can it be fixed right now? No, it can not. Medication is a routine in the life of someone with mental illness, and all of us just need to accept it. I am going to be honest, I do not know if I have fully accepted it yet – but I am sick and tired of my brain. I am sick and tired of all the noise. So if we need to take medication to help it, then lets do it. We can not get any better unless we want to. So starting now, I am making a promise to want to.
Take care of yourself, believe in yourself, and fuck whoever says otherwise. We make our own NORMAL.
Thanks for reading,