Fighting with Myself

 

I want to cave.

 

Fighting..Always fighting.

The only thing I think about anymore is skipping work and giving up, which is not necessarily a realistic ideal but my brain is telling me it is!

It makes me feel like that, but the worst part is another me will not allow that to happen. I would love to just cave to this illness. I want to give in and just let it take over because I am tired. I am tired of fighting with myself. I am tired of having to PUSH myself to do simple tasks, like take a shower, brush my hair and teeth, wear clean clothes.. I force myself to do those things. I don’t do them because I want to, I do them because I am forcing myself to be normal, but….I am tired. I am exhausted.

I am trying my best at work, but anything everyone sees is just a normal person doing a poor job. “Try harder”  “Do this instead” “This is what you are doing wrong”…. but please, can someone tell me what I’m doing right?! No one sees the good I am doing. No one sees me trying my hardest.

That hurts.

I want to cave, so so bad, but I cant. Society will not let me. So what do I do? Keep on fighting.

That is the only thing I can do.

Thanks for reading,

Jas ❤

Wise words that I did not want to hea

 

I had a doctors appointment the other day with Dr. J.

She had some words for me. Wise words, but ones I could not help but to feel disgusted by. It was last tuesday and I had to go in to get my monthly shot for my schizo-effective disorder. I left that day contemplating whether I know what is best for myself or not.

I have struggled with consistently taking meds. Why? Because I am a person of instant gratification. I want what I want at that exact moment. Well, it turns out medication does not work that way. Medication takes time. Not only does it take time, it just helps lessen the problem instead of fixing it. I would love nothing more to not have to take medicine, and that is where the words from Dr. J came in.

“Medication isn’t a fix all. You will need to be consistant and take it the rest of your life for it to work.” – Dr. J

Those words hit me. Hard. What am I supposed to say to my future children? How do I explain this to my own family? Why can I not ever be NORMAL??

Normal. What is normal… Normal to me is someone successful. Someone who can work a full time job with no hiccups. Someone that can multitask and build themselves up in life. Someone that does not scream at themselves when stepping out of their house. I want to be normal. I want to be MY definition of normal.

A lot of people are ignorant to the fact that you need to take medication your whole life. People will downplay mental illness as something compareable to a common cold or flu, and that hurts, but I have to get over others ignorance. Medication itself is surrounded by a negative stigma, let alone telling someone you have depression or anxiety.

Now that a couple of days have passed and I have thought about her words, I am prepared to continue taking medicine. Am I scared? HELL YES. Do I still want it fixed right now at this moment? HELL YES. Can it be fixed right now? No, it can not. Medication is a routine in the life of someone with mental illness, and all of us just need to accept it. I am going to be honest, I do not know if I have fully accepted it yet – but I am sick and tired of my brain. I am sick and tired of all the noise. So if we need to take medication to help it, then lets do it. We can not get any better unless we want to. So starting now, I am making a promise to want to.

Take care of yourself, believe in yourself, and fuck whoever says otherwise. We make our own NORMAL.

Thanks for reading,

Jas ❤

Silence is Golden

Shhh Be Quiet.

Turn off the light, close the door, sit and don’t move. Do you hear that? Silence…

Tell me what it sounds like. Explain to me what it sounds like. Peaceful? Empty? Quiet? Scary? Amusing? I want to know what it sounds like. I strive to have a brief moment of hearing absolutely nothing.


The following is what disrupts this silence from my experiences:

Anxiety
PTSD
Schizophrenia
Depression
Bipolar

With the lack of silence, it has brought on my lack of independence. Now, I have to be dependent on medication. I have to be dependent on my doctors to give me what’s best. I no longer get to trust in myself; instead I now trust in medications that man made.

“Independence is happiness.” – Susan B. Anthony

I struggle with my happiness because of this. When I see things like this, my brain goes “Yes! Independence! I’m an adult! In your face! I’m independent!”. When I calm down from that manic high period, I realize I’m also a liar. A liar to myself.

“You can do it…But you can’t do it alone.” —- World Community Mental Health Movement


I don’t want to take meds to hear the silence, but I can’t do it alone. I have learned IT IS OKAY to ask for help. Because YOU took the step to do so. YOU reached out to your doctor. YOU were brave enough to get over your fear of losing your independence and that is what is going to push you into the end zone.

You can do it. Just not alone. You got this. Ask for help.

Thanks,

Jasmyn ❤

Acceptance

Honestly this is something I have struggled with the most. I still struggle with this day to day. Do I want to accept the fact that I have a type(s) of mental illness? No. From my personal experiences, the stigma around mental illness and how it affects people has been grately over-exaggeratd to the point that it is Embarrassing to me. It is embarrassing to have to walk into a pharmacy and ask for my meds. It is embarrasing seeing someone you know on your way out of the doctor. It is emarrasing knowing that I will live with this the rest of my life. Why? There is no cure for my mental illness. There is no cure for ANY mental illness.

That is a crazy hard pill to swallow. Knowing you have this disease and not being able to cure it? It feels like a ton of bricks were put on my shoulders. About 2 weeks ago I decided to start taking my pills and attending doctors appointments. Since starting the medication and visits, I feel SO SO much better.

I think I have finally come to terms with myself. I have an Illness.

“Hello, My name is Crazy,  whats yours?” – Jasmyn

Starting fresh.

Starting fresh is something I have been meaning to do for a long time.

This is my chance at that.

I have not been at work for the past week so it has given me ample amount of time to get things sorted.

In the past posts (now deleted) I ranted about how people with mental illness like me, need to be taking medications. Well, for a while I was a giant hypocrite. I was not taking any meds, I was not seeing my doctor regularly… so many things I ranted about on this blog are just false expectations I have set for myself without fully giving a shit to complete them.

Here is my chance. Will I be 100% honest? Will I correct myself if I catch myself talking out of my ass? Not all the time, but i will do my best and tell the truth for the most part.

Thanks,

Jasmyn. ❤